The process of ‘becoming’ a father has not been thoroughly explored. Right now, men ‘become’ a father after the birth or adoption of their child. However, after the birth or adoption you ‘are’ a father. Actually men move through ‘becoming’ into ‘being’ a father during pregnancy … even if your baby is adopted. With the right set of skills … physically, mentally and emotionally men are more likely to feel confident while fathering.
There is a vague sense of this period of time by the use of terms such as: expectant father or father-to-be. But no one has clearly defined what happens during this period and how fathers-to-be can grow with confidence through ‘becoming’ into ‘being’ a father?
Paul wanted to know if becoming a father started as soon as his sperm became viable during puberty? After all Paul had always wanted to be a dad from his earliest memories.
Probably that’s a bit too soon for most men to acknowledge that in fact they are becoming a father once they can impregnate a woman. Puberty is the landmark for ‘becoming’ either a father or mother but that’s a bit esoteric really.
Ben however realized in hind-sight after 2 other children that he became a father the instant conception occurred when at least one of his sperm (out of approximately 40 million) penetrated his wife’s egg. But in reality Ben said he didn’t actually know when that happened for any of his children.
Ben went on to explain that he realized he was becoming a father as soon as he and Jill actually knew they were pregnant. But he said ‘what was happening to Jill wasn’t the same as what was happening to me.’ She had all the physical discomforts: morning sickness, fatigue and irritability.
Like many men, Ben wondered how he could use each pregnancy to grow his own fatherhood qualities. Being a thinking guy, Ben, broke down pregnancy into several phases and used those time frames to intentioinally grow the fatherhood qualities he found important.
These are the phases Ben discovered for himself:
Phase 1: When pregnancy is acknowledged and it will continue through the first 12 weeks. Ben liked this website to learn about his child’s growth during that phase because it was the hardest time for him to get involved except to help Jill to feel better. http://kidshealth.org/parent/pregnancy_calendar/week1.html.
Phase 2: Continued from 12 weeks (when Jill began to ‘show’) to when he could begin to feel their baby kick … about 24 weeks. Jill always felt some movement a few weeks earlier.
Phase 3: The time between 24 weeks until they attended childbirth classes at about 32 weeks was special because Jill really felt good and not too big. A great time together.
Phase 4: From 32 weeks to ‘the birth’ had it’s own growth demands.
Phase 5: Ben realized that ‘the birth’ of his children was always the ‘gateway’ through which both he and Jill had to pass to move from ‘becoming’ to ‘being’.
Thanks to his own father, Ben was able to break down some positive fathering qualities he then chose to grow during each of these phases. He said ‘Breaking down pregnancy into specific phases and specific qualities helped me grow along side Jill and our baby’.
Jill went on to say ‘Ben has always taken time to expand and mature these fantastic qualities as a husband, man and father. I so admire him’
These are some of the special qualities his own dad showed him, his siblings and his mother.
- Kindness
- Awareness
- Attention to detail
- Patience
- Acceptance
- Enjoyment
- Problem solving
- Doing
- Working along side
Jill and Ben enjoy being pregnant together so much so that they’ve now had 6 children. They say it’s such a special time for both of them yet each one is different and they make certain they give the pregnancy period very special attention.