There are certain universal Truths. Childbirth is the Gateway to parenthood for both men and women so let me pass on a story our Trust received from a dad about how learning how to be a great birth coach helped him to become a better parent and partner … to become a father.
One Father’s Birth Stories
‘Sadly my first marriage ended in divorce and I have no doubt that part of the problem had to do with my inability to help my wife when she gave birth to our two sons. Sure we had attended childbirth classes and had made our Birth Plans. Unlike some of my mates, I even read a number of books about birth. Although they seemed to say that I was important as a father-to-be, usually only a page or two was offered as my guide to learn how to help ‘support’ my wife in labour. In fact, childbirth seemed to be all about my wife.
I went into birth thinking I couldl help her and in the early part of labour when there wasn’t so much pain, my back rubs and forehead wipes seemed to help. But once labour got intense, all I could do was be there, have my hands squeezed so bloody hard and be hung on for hours. Then my wife eventually lay down in bed suffering from the pains while I sat up by her head feeling miserable, useless, ineffective and very, very sad.
I tried to help but often she would push my hand away. In time our first son was born and for a time being it seemed we would move into parenting together, but I found myself awkward with our baby. His birth had left me feeling less a man and certain that childbirth and babies was for women.
We never talked about the birth but I could tell my wife was disappointed in me and I felt ashamed. I wondered what other men had felt and done at birth. My buddies, I discovered felt pretty much the same.
Our second birth experience was pretty much the same except the birth was more intense and shorter. My wife pushed me away faster and more angrily. Within a few years our marriage had become alienated. There was no doubt in my mind that I could not heal the wound my inability to help in birth had left in my wife. I had failed as a man, as a lover, husband and father.
Five years after the divorce I met the woman who was to become my second wife. She wanted children and I never wanted to put another woman through the agony of birth and I certainly didn’t want to put myself into a birth experience again that would show my failure. I don’t think my wife truly understood the depth of my despair and fear.
During her pregnancy she stumbled across yet another birth resource called The Pink Kit Method For Birthing Better®. Well if the name didn’t turn me right off, the idea that I had to struggle through a set of birth resources just about caused a major battle. Saying I was resistent is being kind. I was not going to put myself through the experience again, full stop, period and I was not going to submit to another birth resource for women!
With much pressure, my wife got me to look at the first resource New Focus: Breath, Language and Touch … breathing, communication and touch skills for her AND me! Immediately I recognized that there was light at the end of the tunnel, help on the way, skills to be learned with my wife, things I could do, ways I could heal.
I fell head long in love with this Tool Kit for men, fathers, dads, ME. We took our beautiful time from 24 weeks and learned together the practical skills. Each exercise we learned and shared, brought us closer, made us more confident, built our skills and deepened our intimacy. I learned the most amazing thing … men have the exact same body as a woman. No longer did I feel alienated from pregnancy, my wife, my child. I knew I knew how to help! And she knew and that meant that she trusted me.
Can a man ask for anything more? Sure we can. Put the skills into use in birth and we can ask for so much more. With The Pink Kit Method skills I knew how to help my wife at every single moment of the birth of our daughter. I could read the language of her face, her the sounds of her voice and know exactly which skill to use when.
Together we fell into our own bubble. As birth became more intense, she relied on me to guide her through each contraction. Even the smallest inclination that the pain was intense brought forward a skill I could use to help her get on top of the pain. I can’t even begin to explain what happened except I finally understood the joy of birth, the delight of being with the woman you love when she births your child and knowing that she loves you the more deeply for sharing such an intense and personally challenging experience.
Two years later we became pregnant again and went through all the resources one more time with eagerness to learn more, become better and work more closely. So when labour started we were very relaxed. My wife woke me in the middle of the night to say that the contractions were starting. She wanted to get up and ‘do something’ so she went and cleaned up. Our heat pump wasn’t working very well so she wanted me to get up and fix it. We puttered around for a bit while she laboured nearby.
We felt so relaxed and I knew she was handling the labour just fine so I attended to my manly chore of getting our heat working well. Then I heard Jill say ‘Pete, you’ve got to come here’. I said ‘Just a moment’.
‘No she said NOW’. I turned around on the ladder in time to see her begin to squat down on the floor. I flew off the ladder, sailed across the room and skidded to a stop in front of her just as our daughter’s head eased out!
Well, not what we expected! Or planned! Or wanted! But as we sat there together laughing we realized that finally I had totally healed as a man, father and husband. Thank you Common Knowledge Trust for producing BirthingBetter. Every father needs to know that there are childbirth coaching skills for him.