DADS IN BIRTHS
Keep in mind all these posts are focusing on one goal: To build a Skills-based approach to all pregnancies and every birth … A Movement for a skilled birthing population.
Follow-your-doctor’s-orders childbirth trend did not work! The present Choice-based childbirth trend works for a very small percent. The short lived Skills-based childbirth trend (only in the US!) worked a dream by putting an end to the first trend, opening up choices while giving families the ability to have a profoundly satisfying birth experience even when there was lots of medical assessments, monitoring and procedures.
We now need to do some coupling … A Skills-based approach with the Choice-based approach. Is it essential to know and acknowledge which approach is more important? Yes. Choices are variable. Skills are enduring. It’s that simple.
In the past two posts we’ve encouraged fathers-to-be to learn a simple set of skills during pregnancy in order to grow alongside their baby and mother. We’ve named the time frame to start to prepare the pregnant body to become a birthing body (no matter what type of birth you’re planning or might have or unexpectedly have) because this is part of the enjoyment of being pregnant! We’ve also explained that while preparing the pregnant body to do the activity of giving birth, you need to learn birth and coaching skills in order to work through your baby’s birth journey no matter how that journey unfolds because that is your job as men who are ‘becoming’ fathers. The Birth is the Gateway activity that actively moves you from ‘becoming’ to ‘being’. This is best done with skills.
Now we have to talk about The Birth. This is simpler … use your coaching skills. Remember giving birth is an activity and it’s a journey. You and your birthing partner go into that activity at time A and come out at time B. From the beginning of time A put your skills into use. When you’ve arrived at time B, they will naturally end because the focus shifts to ‘after’.
For most fathers-to-be/others the Time A is the most confusing so let’s clarify it. By practicing your skills throughout the day while doing other things and sometimes together, you habituate yourself. Your practice as a man/other will be slightly different from your pregnant partner. Why is this? She is pregnant and having sensations. Toward the end of pregnancy those sensations take a specific form … tightening of the uterus (Braxton-Hicks contractions). Women often find themselves practicing their skills as those occur.
There’s another reason. If you’re working through The Pink Kit’s DVD and learning how to open the pregnant/birthing body the pregnant woman will know when she ‘gets’ each skill. If she’s uncertain she may ask you to work further with her. Women WANT TO KNOW THEY KNOW! They also want to know you know and will ‘be there with them’. Sadly that phrase ‘be there’ has been reduced from being able to ‘help’ to merely ‘supporting’ and that’s just not right. There is NO woman who has a birth partner who wants him/her to stand around and not know how to help her if she needs it. Fathers/others need the skills to really help … that’s called a ‘coach’ not a ‘support person’.
So begin to use your skills more consistently as you get closer to Time A.
HAVING A NON-LABORING CAESAREAN?
For families having a non-laboring Caesarean who may have used the skills to reduce anxiety, fill boring waiting time for tests and appointments and during those tests … time A can start the day before. The day before is like your early labor so take the day off, go through your skills together. On the day of surgery use your skills during your drive to hospital, while the woman is being prepped (and you might be separated so agree to both focus on your skills) and during surgery. You’re doing this because you, your birthing partner and baby are taking that Gateway journey and you’ve decided to do it with skills … even if it’s only the breathing, teamwork, relaxation, non-verbal communication, staying in the NOW skills you’ve been learning the past few months. By now they should become so second nature they have become yours!
What your birth professionals will see are engaged parents instead of shell-shocked and passive women and men.
What your birthing partner will feel is focused calmness coupled with nervous excitement. That’s natural and normal and it is in you too.
HAVING A LABOR?
Time A is not always clear and that doesn’t matter when you have skills. You’ll become more aware because you’ve grown your pregnancy skills as a father-to-be and taken time to prepare your partner’s pregnant body so you’ll become more aware. This awareness will help you pick up the subtle and often confusing changes that precedes Time A … it’s all Time A. This is where the skill ‘What do I do now’ found in the Niggling Labor ebook of The Pink Kit is so helpful. You’ll learn how to perfect your skills during this uncertain time.
But at some point Time A … the real beginning of this journey becomes apparent. This means you and your birthing partner are now in a dance. You’re on this journey and moment to moment she and you are deciding how, which and when to use your co-learned skills. This is a thrilling time where the Communication skills become highlighted. This is the Dance of Life, the Gateway Activity, the Love-Making of Giving Birth, the Intensity of Transition from Becoming to Being.
Continue to use your skills throughout this journey no matter what is happening to or around you. Focus together and work within the framework of the world around you. Does that seem hard? No, that’s what you do every time you get behind the wheel of a car. The only difference. You’re giving birth so rarely! If you could only drive 1 time in Life you’d have heightened awareness. Think if you could only make love 1-10 times in your life? Heightened awareness goes hand in hand with Big and Infrequent activities.
HOSPITAL OR HOME:
Does not matter. Use your skills.
NATURAL OR MEDICAL:
Does not matter use your skills and let your birth professionals do what they do and negotiate at the time.
MIDWIFE OR DOCTOR:
Does not matter. This is your activity. They have their skills, you have yours. NO doctor will tell a father to stop breathing with his birthing partner. Frankly staff and doctors want to see more engaged fathers. They used to if they are old enough to remember the Skills-based childbirth trend of the 60s/70s. That’s been long gone. They are comfortable with you asking questions and negotiating the standards of care so do those things. In reality, everyone is going to leave you and the woman alone so fill your time using skills together. It’s neat and that’s exactly what you’d be doing on a journey of distance. Come together with skills as the glue.
EMERGENCY CAESAREAN:
There will be negotiation time in which you’ll continue to use your skills. If you get separated while the woman is being prepped just agree to keep focused on each other’s breathing and relaxation. Do you know what it means to a woman who is undergoing medical procedures to know that her partner is focused on skills that can help her to relax or work with the pain or discomfort and help reduce anxiety and fears? It means heaps!
If you are separated and stayed focused on skills then when you come back together you’ll just pick up the skills as a team and work through your baby’s birth journey.
Once your baby is born … no matter what happened you’ll have reached Time B. Now you’re in The After Time.
NEXT POST: Fathers fathering new borns