Fathers preparing for birth

We want to offer some contextual understanding of modern father-to-bes/other:

• Men are hard wired to understand birth because they were born through a woman’s body.
• They need skills, when to start, what to do and how to use the skills … this is NOT rocket science!
• They need to know what their role is in the presence of birth professionals
• Men need to see and recognize the growth in confidence experienced by pregnant partners because he is becoming skilled.

As mentioned in the previous post, fathers-to-be need to grow skills from the earliest part of pregnancy as a ‘choice’ in order to keep up with the mandated changes the woman goes through because of their baby’s biological grow. Even families who have intentionally conceived are often totally surprised at how pregnancy impacts a woman and this impacts the man who is then trying to figure out what to do. The woman wants him to understand the changes going on inside her (so many women feel as though they’ve been taken over by another being and they have) and without some simple skills even the most dedicated husband/partner, friend or relative really know how to understand and what to do.

We’ve invited you to read through the expectant fathers blog and learn how to mature the essential skills.

• Kindness
• Patience
• Awareness
• Attention to detail
• Being able to see what needs to be done
• Growing a second set of arms
• Growing two more sets of eyes
• Humor
• Delight
• Clarity

As you’ll read, fathers-to-be need to mature these skills toward the pregnant woman, the baby and himself. And these skills take on subtly different expressions during the phases of pregnancy as they will during The Birth and as a father. These skills help men to move through ‘becoming a father’ toward ‘being a father’ … and they help women as well.

IN RECENT MEMORY

During the 20 years of The Skills-based childbirth trend in the 60s/70s, most families went to a 6 week class starting about 32 weeks.

WHY WAS THAT WRONG?

In reality, fathers need to start helping a woman to prepare her pregnant body around 24 weeks. Why is that?

Pregnancy is really divided into different phases. Something happens around 24 weeks that awakens in the pregnant woman that The Birth is almost around the corner. That sense of imminent birth grows over the next 16 weeks. Before 24 weeks women aren’t really think about The Birth. They are really just adjusting to being pregnant, having their belly ‘show’ and the beginning of their baby’s movement. Once the uterus reaches the belly button, then the count down to The Birth starts.

Something else happens. The woman’s mind is pretty clear for the next few months. Sometime around 36 weeks the mind becomes change as many women know. There’s an old adage: The bigger your belly grows, the more your mind goes. From 36 weeks onward, the mind is preparing more acutely for The Birth and taking care of a newborn. Focus turns inward.

PREPARING THE BODY

From 24 weeks onward a father should begin to prepare the pregnant body to become a birthing body.  If you are reading this, are 39 weeks and feel motivated to learn birth and birth coaching skills just learn faster because you’re more focused. Just do it.

There are always side issues to address so here is one. If you’re reading this and for whatever reason are planning a non-laboring Caesarean you are still pregnant so enjoy preparing your body to give birth. Your Body is preparing to labor and have a vaginal birth. Your Mind is preparing for a surgical birth. In between your Mind and Body is the fact you are having a baby so enjoy preparing to have a baby and learn skills to use during the activity all of you will take together during The Birth.

Now, back on topic. Dads/others, 100% of pregnant women will give birth. How many times will you be pregnant and have a baby in your life? Even if you will have 10 kids, that’s only 10x in your life. Enjoy all the elements of being pregnant. One element is to prepare the pregnant body to become a birthing body because there will be The Birth. While you think The Birth happens to the woman, in fact it’s an activity she will do and you can do it with her.

The reason you developed skills in pregnancy is to grow with her as your baby grows. From 24 weeks onward, now is the time to grow the skills to prepare her body to do the activity of giving birth and the birth and birth coaching skills that you’ll use in whatever type of birth unfolds.

WHAT ARE THE SKILLS?

There are two types of skills: Those that specifically prepare the pregnant body and skills to use during The Birth.

THERE ARE A NUMBER OF SKILLS-BASED RESOURCES:

We’ve discussed in earlier posts that there are a number of skills-based resources: Lamaze, Bradley, Hypno-birthing, Hypno-babies, Active Birth … and probably others as well as our resource Birthing Better with The Pink Kit Method® … The Pink Kit.

Here we need to take a side path again.

• The Pink Kit is the ONLY skills-based resource that comes directly from families like yours.
• The Pink Kit is for all pregnancies and every birth while all the other resources are trying to achieve a ‘natural’ birth.
• The Pink Kit has been used in every type of birth for 45 years from home alone to non-laboring Caesarean and everything in between.
• The Pink Kit skills are based on our shared human body.
• Most other resources are teaching ‘techniques’. The Pink Kit is skills. What’s the difference? Techniques tend to work in more limited situations. Skills adjust and adapt to all circumstances.

PREPARE THE PREGNANT BODY:

As a father-to-be preparing a woman’s body does not take heaps of time. It just takes learning specific skills and doing them until you ‘get it’. We will talk about The Pink Kit because it’s based on our body. There are basically several skills you need to learn and do on your pregnant partner … however, she needs to do them on you. Once you feel what preparing a pregnant body is designed to do, you’ll have a light bulb flash brightly in your mind and it will all become clear.

The purpose of preparing your pregnant partner’s body is to help her learn to open inside and soften inside. Birth is an exercise in plumbing … a big object has to come down, through and out of a container. That’s what preparing the body is focusing on. This is NOT rocket science and you can feel in your body how skills can open your pelvis and how you can soften inside. You share the same body.

• Map the pelvis … you need to know the shape of the tube in the container that the object has to fit through.
• Pelvic Clock … you need to know how to soften inside the pelvis to prevent tension from hindering the object from opening up, coming down and through the container.
• Hip Lift … you need to feel how you can create space side-to-side in the contain if necessary to open the container.
• Sacral Manoeuvre and Kate’s Cat … these open the container front to back
• Positions … you have to learn why some positions hinder that object.
• The Internal Work … preparing the baby’s birth passage.
• and some others

SKILLS FOR BIRTH:

Giving birth is a journey in Time from A-B. Driving a car is a journey of distance from A-B. When we learn to drive a car, we learn multiple skills at the same time. When we get behind the wheel of a car we have to use skills together, adjusting all the time. When we take a journey in distance from A-B, we have to use our driving skills at every single nano-second no matter what is happening to or around you.

When a woman is doing the activity of giving birth, she is on a journey in Time. You need to learn skills together so she can apply skills as she couples her Mind and Body. You need skills to help her work through this journey.

• Directed Breathing … how to open up inside the pelvis and soften inside. This is often used with The Pelvic Clock, Hip Lift, Sit Bone Spread, Kate’s Cat and throughout the 5 Phases of every contraction.
• Deep Touch Relaxation … you learn to cue the birthing woman to soften under your touch.
• Teamwork … how to work together
• Communication … you develop great verbal and non-verbal communication
• Staying in the NOW … an important skill
• Niggling labor … learn the one and only question to use when labor doesn’t really get going.
• Working with pain
• How to use skills in either a non-laboring Caesarean or emergency one.
• Tension … skills to reduce or prevent internal tension
• And more

You can see how starting close to 24 weeks makes sense. But then how long did it take you to learn to drive so you could pass a driving test? Most people say ‘about 4 months’ and ‘about an hour/day’. Well, the good news is you don’t need to take an hour/day for 16 weeks. It’s simpler because you can learn a skill and practice while you’re doing other things. No kidding. You can practice The Pelvic Clock while driving, working at your desk or anything else. Once you feel your capacity to soften inside your male pelvis, then you’ll know how to help your pregnant partner.

NEXT POST: Fathers at birth