Fathers-to-be
You probably haven’t found a childbirth preparation class or book that REALLY includes you. Sad really. You are as important as your pregnant partner.
Men essentially feel two ways about birth:
- “I’m glad it’s not me’. (Birth is woman’s business)
- ‘I wish I could be pregnant and give birth.’
First group of men:
If you think birth is women’s business and women automatically knows how to ‘do’ it … you’re inaccurate. If you think you’ll automatically know how to help her … you’re inaccurate. If you think you don’t really need to help her … you’re incorrect. If you think you’ll most likely end up irritating her … you’re probably accurate if you don’t know how to help her well.
Having your own set birth coaching/supporting skills will give you the tools you need as a man who IS being asked to ‘do something’ by being at the birth of your baby whether you want to be there or not.
Second group of men:
If you privately wish you could experience pregnancy and childbirth then your skills will give you the intimate experience you long for.
When you learn good coaching skills and practice together, the more your partner will have confidence in herself BECAUSE she has more confidence in YOU. Do not underestimate this statement. Think about it for a moment.
As soon as women wanted and demanded their husbands to be with them during labour and delivery, they expected them to know how to help … therefore you need to know how.
Besides you need to be valued as a man and father-to-be.
Pregnancy is a family affair
Whether you want to be involved in ‘The Birth’, your partner is pregnant and will give birth to your child so you are about to become a father. The pregnancy is affecting you as well as your partner so you need to be honoured and helped to know how to participate in a way that grows your abilities and awareness as a man who is becoming a father.
Two goals for all men:
- You want to be a good father to your daughter so she knows the best type of man to eventually join with.
- You want to be a good father to your son so he knows how to be a good man and good father.
The Modern Maternity System … and you.
In modern societies most pregnant women birth in hospital under the care of an obstetrician, attended by staff midwives or obstetrical nurses and have done so since the turn of the 20th Century. In New Zealand you not only have your own midwife, you can choose where to have your baby.
Although you may have concerns as to how your birth professional, whether doctor or midwife, will view you, they expect you to ‘support’ or partner. This does not exactly define your ‘job description’ Doctors and staff would like you to know how-to do that but they really don’t care if you just stand around and they aren’t going to teach you.
You might not be getting those skills in either your childbirth class or the books you might glance through. No wonder men like yourself often feel left out, sidelined and confused.
Roles in Childbirth
Each birth professional has their job whether an obstetrician, midwife or obstetrical nurse but these are not your job. Your job is to help your partner. And you will do that best if you’ve taken the time during pregnancy to learn coaching skills and practice them along with your partner’s birthing skills as a team.
It’s true, birth professionals see very, very few fathers who really know how to coach a woman well through the intensity of labour contractions but when they do see such a man they praise them and praise them and praise them … and talk about how they wish more men would do this.
The reason most men don’t know how to really help is that no one has taught them. The few breathing or relaxation techniques that may be taught in childbirth classes are not sufficient for YOU to actually know how to help and have the absolutely confidence that your skills do help.
So your role is to be a great birth coach … someone who can help her relax, breathe well, stay open and work with the baby’s efforts to come through, down and out her body as well as love, encouragement, strength and fortitude.
Obstetricians, staff midwives or staff obstetrical nurses:
Before you get to hospital, you might have had hours at home while your partner is in early labour. This is the time to get your Teamwork going, using your skills and learning about the rhythm of birth. Your hospital will not want you to come there too soon. They like you to arrive with labour in full swing, so hours might pass with labour taking place in your own home.
Once you go to hospital … don’t forget to use your skills on the way there … don’t suddenly feel you have to step back while the birth professionals take over. Let them do their job and show them how you are doing yours. This will make them feel much more comfortable with the two of you.
Birth professionals do not usually remain in the room with you full time. Staff midwives or obstetrical nurses come and go … arriving to do assessments, monitoring and procedures. Your obstetrician usually visits shortly after your arrival and then comes during the delivery. When your birth professionals are doing assessments, monitoring and procedures you can continue to work with your partner on her breathing and relaxation. This gives both of you something to do.
Continuity of care midwife:
If you have a continuity of care midwife who will remain with you all the time, it’s very tempting to sit back and assume they will ‘do’ the birth with your partner. Keep in mind two things:
- Your partner wants YOU to be her primary support and coach because you are her lover and father of your child!
- It would be exhausting if a midwife had to do your job … birth coach … at every birth. She doesn’t want your job.
So no matter who your birth professional is or where you birth … do your job.
Many women who have good birth skills can cope well with the pain of childbirth. Many more do so because their partner has the skills to help them.
Your goal is to have YOUR partner be the woman who births the best with whatever is happening to and around her.
Are you a Birth coach or Birth support?
At the moment the word birth ‘support’ is the favourite word. The term ‘coach’ was used in the late 1960s/70s when fathers were first permitted then encouraged to ‘be there’ and ‘do something’. The rationale for changing the word from ‘coach’ to ‘support’ was based on the interpretation that ’coaching’ means ‘telling a woman what to do’. This would be equated to an aggressive sport’s coach. But you know that not all coaches are like that.
You can use whatever word suits the two of you.
Taken from a business model (Hersey and Blanchard’s Situational Leadership) consider the simple meaning of the four terms below and their unique qualities:
Direct: tell others what to do but offer little encouragement
Delegate: give no encouragement or help
Support: give lots of encouragement but little help
Coach: give lots of support and help when necessary
Whatever term you use … be able to give lots of support and help!
Watch birth videos
You will get your eyes opened to how useless most men feel and how little they do. You’ll also notice whether you think that woman is skilful in how she handles labour contractions or is just getting through them.
You’ll also notice that almost all birth videos focus exclusively on ‘The Birth’. It’s as though labour is very short and the main event is The Birth. In reality your biggest job is helping during the most painful part that is the dilation of the cervix and this can take many, many hours.
Watch what other fathers are doing in most birth videos … nothing or very little. How connected do they feel to their partner and how connected does the woman feel to her partner? Usually there is a huge separation between these two people. This does not need to be you.
Sometimes you see a man rub the woman’s back, offers her water, ice chips or wipe her brow. These are acts of ‘being there’ but certainly both you and your partner know there has to be more … more that you could do and more she wants you to be able to do.
The whole experience of giving birth whether this includes labour and the delivery or a trip to hospital for a surgical birth is REALLY a significant time in your life. The birth of your child is one of Life’s Rites of Passage. KNOW that you absolutely must help … to give guidance, encouragement instruction, inspiration, direction, motivation, assistance and suggestions when she needs.
You want to change the images you see of other fathers. With your skills you’ll be able to totally assist her at every step of the way as she works with your baby’s efforts to be born, without becoming exhausted or overwhelmed yourself.