What does this debate produce?
Since women are mostly involved in the discussion of childbirth, we must look toward ourselves to see what happens when the birth of any child is perceived of as better or not as good as the birth of another child based on where or with whom or what is happening to or around our birth.
The result of this debate is to increase shame, blame and guilt. Both Natural Birth and medical maternity advocates often forget how this debate impacts women and men like yourself who are pregnant and about to give birth.
When we, as women, give a message to one another woman that a ‘natural’ birth is better and more desirable than a medical birth then this leaves out every single woman who …
- Has medical issues and medical care is required.
- Is afraid of birth and feels safer having medical care.
- Would like a natural birth but her unborn has health issues.
When we, as women, give a message to one another woman that home birth is better than hospital birth then this leaves out every single woman who …
- Believes hospital births are safer.
- Has had a previous health problem at a birth and is afraid for this baby.
- Has 5 kids at home and just wants a rest.
- Lives with an extended family and won’t have her baby at home for anything in the world.
When we, as women, give a message to one another woman that having a midwife is far better than a doctor then this leaves out every single woman who …
- Loves her doctor and likes her/his care.
- Doesn’t have access to continuity of care by an independent midwife.
- Has access to staff midwives but is told that isn’t good enough because all staff midwives are medical.
When we, as women, give a message to one another woman that birth is safe and that the medical model makes it unsafe then we leave out every single woman who …
- Had a natural birth and still had a stillborn.
- Had a natural birth and bled too much.
- Believed in natural birth and developed health issues that were serious.
When we, as women, give a message to one another woman that birth is unsafe and that the medical model makes it safer then we leave out every single woman who …
- Whose baby has died because of medical intervention.
- Who has had major health problems due to a caesarean just because her baby was breech.
- Who was made to feel afraid enough though she was healthy and had a great pregnancy.
Is the birth of our children sacred, special, blessed, a gift or not?
As women we have to make a choice. Either the birth of all our children is sacred, special, blessed, a gift or it is only that way if it falls into a very narrow definition.
Experiencing shame, blame and guilt leaves terrible memories that are based on idealizing a certain type of birth experience rather than including everyone! Shame on us as women!
A hidden secret
All pregnant families deserve to have a positive birth experience in whatever birth they have. What choice do we have? The birth of each of our children is sacred, blessed, special and a gift. There is no alternative.
However, there is a secret that is barely discussed and can only be observed as a birth professional who sees and attends hundreds and sometimes thousands of births. This secret must be revealed. Once it’s revealed then we have to recognize that we, women and us, men can change this terrible and hidden secret.
The Secret:
The majority of women in labour do not cope, manage, handle or deal with the natural occurring labour pains of contractions. Most birth professionals are lucky to see 1 in 20 women really know how-to birth. Since 100% of pregnant women will give birth then birth professionals know a woman will get through labour one way or another.
If so few women really know how to birth, then women having Caesareans are even less likely to take skills into their surgery. Birth skills are just not part of childbirth even though all pregnant women share one thing in common … they will give birth.
Birth professionals see few women really know how-to birth. Rest assured they see even fewer fathers know how-to help. In fact, most birth professionals now question why fathers are even included.
This is the hidden and terrible secret that makes the whole political debate incredibly meaningless.
Imagine if there was a societal expectation and acceptance that:
- during pregnancy expectant parents prepare the pregnant body to give birth … because it will one day soon.
- Expectant parents learn both birth ‘how-to’ and coaching ‘how-to’ skills so they can work together with their baby’s efforts to be born.
- Expectant parents use these skills in whatever birth they have that day … whether natural, medical, at home or in hospital with a midwife or doctor.
Birth is subjective:
Childbirth is natural. Getting pregnant and giving birth is the only way our humans reproduce ourselves. All sorts of us get pregnant yet 100% of us will give birth. If left alone then the nature of birth is both safe and unsafe (SEE SAFE/UNSAFE BIRTH) just because it is a natural physiological process of such high magnitude
The birth of our children changes us. We become parents.
We remember the process of giving birth (as long as we are awake!) and once it is over, it’s over. Every single woman who has given birth knows that it’s an activity that takes time.
Having specific birth skills just plan enriches the experience and gives us, as women, lots to do. Primarily what we can do is work with our baby’s efforts to come out of our body. That’s just such a hugely self- empowering way to do this incredible activity.
No one knows what is going on inside our head. We know. We know. This means when we use our skills and consciously work with our baby then we know we’ve done something very ‘natural’ even if we need or want medical care, have our baby in hospital with an obstetrician.
We own our birthing experience. No one can take that away from us.
When we don’t have skills, we know that birth has just happened to us whether we liked it or hated it, whether we felt out of control or did our best to find skills within us. We know we did not have skills but we were never certain before that we could be skilled because of all the messages given by both the medical maternity system and the natural birth movement.
And if we want our partner with us … don’t we want to feel confident in his ability to really help us? How about wanting him to enjoy the pregnancy, be involved, feel important, have a role, job and skills? Don’t we have compassion that without skills he might feel useless, helpless and incompetent just as we can feel?
Don’t we want our partner, our lover, the father of this child to feel confident, competent and know that he has helped us, worked with his baby’s efforts to be born and can move into his role as father with dignity?
As a man, father-to-be … what do you want for your partner? Don’t you want to see her coping, managing, deal with and handling this incredibly dynamic experience with skills, dignity and self-assurance?
Won’t you like to hear her say after the birth … ‘I did it’ rather than ‘thank god it’s over’? Don’t you want to see her feel ready to parent rather than be lost in a birth experience that has left her feeling incomplete or confused, angry and disappointed?
Don’t you want for yourself a sense of accomplishment being able to say to yourself … ‘I knew what was happening and I could help her’. Won’t you like to know that you will never be afraid of your newborn and have the confidence to be a father rather then to feel bewildered by the birth experience and left certain that ‘birth is woman’s business’ and so is parenting!
This is all possible because we have changed the language of childbirth.
A secret no longer
Being pregnant and giving birth is natural. It’s the mystical, magical part of our human experience … the miracle of life. When we have the skills to work within this phenomenal, amazing, dynamic and primal experience then we amplify our experience within what is always a ‘natural’ experience.
It no longer matters where or with whom we birth or even what is happening to us or around us … we take charge, stay present and commit ourselves to being the best we can because of the skills we have.
Orgasmic birth
One of the goals of the natural birth movement is ‘orgasmic birth’. Great thing to want, wish for, hope for or desire. Who won’t want to have an orgasmic birthing experience? Or perhaps that’s just too personal and crosses over into sexuality in a way that seems to sully or confuse childbirth.
In reality, childbirth is the pinnacle of sexuality. Babies are conceived through a sexual act. They exit from the same place where we have sex and the very essence of both our womanhood and manhood make up our children.
An orgasmic birth is nothing to either be afraid of, ashamed of, embarrassed by or disbelieving of. All of us has had either a spontaneous bowel movement that has felt close to an ‘orgasmic’ experience or voided our bladder after holding our urine for a period of time because there was ‘no place’ to go.
In those cases, all of us say to ourselves ‘AH, THAT FEELS SO GOOD’. That is an ‘orgasmic’ experience.
When a baby has plenty of space inside to come down, through and out your body then the urge to bear down during 2nd stage is irresistible and demanding of our utmost attention. This is called the ‘ejection reflex’ (such a medical term). Really it’s the final effort our baby makes to be born.
After all the pain of the dilation (1st stage) of our cervix, this bearing down can feel absolutely wonderful … particularly if we have done the Internal Work that prevents, reduces or eliminates the ‘ring of fire’ of a tight vagina.
As you read other childbirth books you might stumble across the term ‘orgasmic birth’. This feeling refers to the short period of time when a baby spontaneously moves down, through and out the vagina causing this irresistible urge to bear down.
If you have this experience then enjoy it!
Very few women consider the pain, intensity or discomfort of dilation as ‘orgasmic’. Unfortunately, those people who advocate ‘orgasmic birth’ seem to imply that the whole experience is one long sustainable orgasm. This isn’t accurate. There are certainly a very small percentage of women who feel no or very little pain during the dilation phase of labour but most of us feel heaps and very few of us can go into that pain until it becomes pleasurable. That’s a big ask!
However, with your Birthing Better skills you can learn to open your body and let your baby out. You can prepare your birth canal so that your tight muscles and tissues don’t hinder your baby’s spontaneous descent through your vagina … and many more of us will experience that profound sense of AH that comes with giving birth.