What does a wedding and pregnancy have in common? Often it’s all about the woman. How many of you were totally and equally involved in creating your wedding or did you often find yourself saying ‘whatever you want is fine with me.’ Perhaps you made some choices about this or that but for most men, the wedding is organized by the woman and her family and then put together by professionals.
Of course, you might not be married or you did create your Joining Ceremony and put it together yourselves. But there is a good point being made here, the wedding, pregnancy and childbirth is focused on the woman. People gather around her and want to know what she wants.
Perhaps weddings will always remain that way but pregnancy and childbirth can longer remained fixed in ‘women’s business’. First, you impregnated the woman. You are half of your baby and since 1970s women wanted their husband/partner to be with them during labour and birth.
You are important but have you been taught what skills you need during pregnancy to help your baby and its mother? Or help yourself? Do you actually have the skills to truly help your baby be born by helping its mother or will you leave that to the professionals?
Challenging questions but if we don’t challenge convention then we we’ll continue to do things that are actually dysfunctional. Why do we know the status quo is dysfunctional? Simple, too many couples split up.
Whether you are married or not, now that you’re pregnant you will be a father within the year. Pregnancy is the time for you to develop and grow fatherhood qualities to use once you are a father. You become a father once you are pregnancy and you ‘are’ a father once your baby is born.
Your child’s birth is the Gateway which you, your child and its mother must journey and you need the skills to help both your baby be born and its mother who must do the activity of birthing.
What skills do you need?
- How to prepare a pregnant body to let out a big object.
- Coaching skills that you must use in whatever birth unfolds
Just like driving a car, you have to learn a set of complex skills then pick and choose which ones to use at one time. And think about about how many weeks it actually took to get all those driving skills down pat. Now you’re an expert … that’s the same with skills for pregnancy, childbirth and fathering. Practice and doing gives you the ability to perfect your skills although you might never be perfect.
Here are some pregnancy preparation skills:
Help the pregnant woman relax and soften inside her pelvis
Keep in mind birth is the activity that occurs when a 3 dimensional object comes out of another 3 dimensional object. Think about the inside of your 3 dimensional pelvis (we share the same body) and think of all the ways you would need to open up to let out a 3 dimensional object the size of a grapefruit. Start doing this from 24 weeks pregnancy. Giving birth is an exercise in plumbing. Research what other skills the two of you can learn together to help your baby be born.
Learn to develop a second set of arms and 4 more eyes:
Herding cats is about the same as raising children. You have to be aware of where they are and what they are doing. Having more arms and eyes also improves any skills you might have in sports or hobbies. Watch how other fathers use their added limbs and orbs.
Think about breathing
Whether your baby will be born by a non-laboring surgical birth or she labors and has a vaginal birth she will still breathe. Your job is to figure out what type of inhalation and exhalation relaxes YOU, share that knowledge with her, listen to her breathing and model good relaxed breathing if she sound stressed or in pain. All humans blink, cough and breathe. We are more alike then different so what relaxes your body will often be the same for another person.
No matter what be resilient
Keep in mind the power of ‘choice’. You might not be able to control anything that happens to or around your baby, its mother or you during pregnancy and birth. However, you can control how you respond. One important fatherhood quality that turns a man into a hero is resilience. Stand strong from your heart and chest in good times and not.