In our modern societies you will experience one of three types of birth:
- Labour and a vaginal delivery … whether medical or natural
- Labor and a surgical birth
- A non-laboring surgical delivery
From that list, it’s really easy for men to think something like this. ‘Well, if she’s going to have a vaginal birth there’s nothing she has to do because that’s how women have always given birth. If she’s going to end up with a Caesarean then there’s nothing she can do about it.’
That makes sense but it’s not accurate. Once this is explained to you as a father-to-be you’ll ‘get it’. Giving birth is an activity. Think about a sporting event you enjoy. If it’s golf or tennis then you already know the game rests on the skills of each individual player. If it’s baseball, basketball, rugby, football or soccer for a moment you might think the game is won or lost by ‘the team’ (which is accurate) yet it’s how each member of the team plays that makes the difference.
Giving birth is no different. The woman’s skills make all the difference to her experience and sense of connection to this huge, dynamic Life transition. She’s sort of like the tennis player playing the most important match of her life. You’re the teammate and when you have skills then you’ll work through this activity with her and each of you feeling more empowered by your teamwork.
To get to that experience, both of you must practice some essential skills then use them no matter what type of birth unfolds on the day.
Expectant fathers and mothers are just not taught the skills. You’ll be flooded with information and asked to make ‘choices’ but on the Big Day it’s the skills you use that will make all the difference in how you look back on the experience.
This article is going to give you a brief overview of how you and your partner can work together to prepare her pregnant body to give birth.
The pregnant body is merely a container
The process of birth is an exercise in plumbing … a big object has to come out of a container. Your job is to prepare the container to facilitate the object’s journey. For your baby to make its journey down, through and out this container three things must happen:
- The closure to your baby’s nest must open (the cervix)
- Your baby must move through a tube (the hole in the pelvis)
- Your baby must travel down through it’s ‘birth canal’ and out the vaginal opening (the woman’s vagina)
You want to start this childbirth preparation as close to 24 weeks as possible. However, if you are reading this at 40 weeks still do the work. Until your baby is born you can always work on opening this container so your baby’s journey is not hindered. There’s always time and you’ll always benefit.
If a non-laboring Caesarean is planned still enjoy this special time. Step up to the plate and take responsibility for helping your baby be born. A surgical birth should not disconnect either of you from this hugely dynamic and important life changing process.
Giving birth is never like a dentist appointment where you sit still and let someone do something to you. Giving birth is always something you do no matter what others are doing.
What’s the goal?
Let’s be realistic about pregnancy and childbirth. You plant the seed inside a woman’s body. Your seed and her egg get together, say WOW and grow. What is now your baby grows inside two containers … it’s nest (the uterus) that is inside the woman’s body. She has a container inside a container. Your baby gets bigger (fully grown when curled up inside is a bit bigger than a football with a head the size of a grapefruit). Then your baby wants to come out and stimulates its container to eject it. This stimulation is called ‘labor’. Labor is hard work … duh! That’s why giving birth is called labor.
Your baby causes its nest to open the opening (the cervix). This stretching causes the woman to experience pain. The pain is normal and naturally. ‘Labor’ pain is productive. It is not connected to illness, death or injury. Those things can occur but they do not increase pain or cause it. (ASK YOUR DOCTOR OR MIDWIFE). Your baby’s mother might not like the pain. Skills help her focus, stay relaxed and manage the pain. That’s important … think plumbing. If she tenses up this may hinder your baby’s journey. YOUR Job is to help her cope and manage even if she doesn’t like one moment. She wants you to help.
Once your baby has opened its nest it must move through the hole in the pelvis (you have one too) and move down through its birth canal (the woman’s vagina which is not the same as vaginal opening. Once your baby has moved down through its birth canal then it has to open the vaginal opening.
Your job is to prepare your baby’s pregnant mother’s body to open up even when she feels pain. It’s much easier for both of you to learn how to do this during pregnancy. Your goal is to work together to prepare your baby’s container to open up when the stimulation occurs. Helping the process be efficient and timely makes your baby’s journey safer and its mothers experience manageable and not ‘suffering’.
Men already know
Here are some realities:
- Every man has been born through a woman’s body. YOU KNOW WOMEN’S BODIES. You just never really thought about it. During pregnancy while you are becoming a father, this is one of the mature understandings of being a man. No matter what your journey through your mother’s body, you want to make your baby’s journey through its mother’s body as manageable and empowering as possible. Your doctor or midwife will take care of her and your baby but will not work with her. That’s your job.
- Your body is her body Think about it. We all blink, cough and can tighten up our rectum. Yes, men have more muscles, hair and a ‘outie’ rather than an ‘inney’ … and I don’t mean bellybuttons. Women and men’s bodies are more similar than different. This means you can imagine what a large object must do to come down, through and out your body. With that insight you know that journey will be hindered by internal tension. As you imagine experiencing pain at the same time, you can empathize your role as a ‘birth coach’ … someone who can help her each step of the way and not just stand around. Your job is to help your baby’s mother open and relax inside her body.
Decide to do it
Make preparing your pregnant partner’s body a priority during the last 16 weeks. This doesn’t take much time … between 30 seconds and 20 minutes each day. Some skills are very quick to learn and you can perfect them by thinking or doing them during the day while doing other things. Preparing for a sporting event requires mentally integrating skills … or practicing in the head.
Keep the plumbing metaphor inside your head, think about the three parts of its container it must open or move through and down and out (the cervix, pelvic tube and vagina).
- The cervix is like the mouth of a balloon. It has a round collar. The outside edges of this round collar attach inside the pelvic tube (think of a clock face inside a frame). Tension inside the pelvic tube can hinder the opening of the cervix. Practice relaxing inside your pelvic tube. Then practice that with your pregnant party.
- If the pelvic tube has tension then your baby can’t make more space. You have a pelvis. It’s made up of separate bones. Cartilage holds the bones together. Pregnancy/birth hormones make the cartilage soft. The bones of this tube can be pushed open from the inside by your baby movement through. Experiment with how you can create more space side-to-side or front to back in your pelvis then share your skills with your pregnant partner.
- If the inside of your baby’s birth canal is tight this can hinder the final part of your baby’s journey. You might feel conflict at this moment. That space inside a woman’s body has been yours and most men like women to be ‘tight’. Becoming a father includes how important preparing this space is. By softening and stretching this tissue from 32 weeks can prevent trauma to this very personal space (for the woman, your baby and you), help your baby open and move through as easily as possible. This helps a woman’s body recover to a pre-pregnant state within 2 months after the birthing hormones wind down.
Now you have an understanding of birth plumbing and the relationship between the object and its container. There is another type of preparation … the skills the woman needs to cope with the pain (sensations) and how to truly relax between the pains. She isn’t playing golf. She isn’t playing soccer. Her activity is experiencing contractions (the pulling out of the cervix) that often pain in the most active period of the activity. The conclusion of this activity is the ‘bearing down’ or ‘pushing’ when your baby is moving down through its birth canal. This culminates with your baby opening up the vaginal opening. You also need to learn breathing, relaxation, the best touch and communication skills as well.
Think about how you use breathing to relax yourself or relax when tense then practice those skills. Talk about and experiment what type of touch the woman would like if she was feeling pain. Just doing that is communicating and finding the right touch is a form of non-verbal communication. Women love to be touched even while experiencing labor pain and working hard as long as the touch is:
- In the right place
- In the right manner
- At the right time
Enjoy getting to know a pregnancy/birthing woman’s body again since you were born. Now you can do it as a mature man and becoming a father and a mature partner. Once your baby is born then you are a father and the next phase begins. Growing skills now is the foundation for the skills you need to learn as a dad. Enjoy, enjoy and enjoy!