Birth is no longer just ‘women’s business’
In modern cultures birth is now a family experience and activity that you will do together.
Birth is now teamwork. With BirthingBetter skills both of you share, pregnancy will become the stepping-stone to growing your family with the teamwork you’ll use during your child’s birth. But you’ll go further than that … you’ll actually know that together you are working with your baby’s efforts to be born. Pregnancy is the time in your child’s life where it lives and grows within the container of a woman’s body. When this time is up … then your child’s birth happens.
Now let’s back track a wee bit and go through so facts and fictions, some accuracies and misperceptions and some beliefs and misunderstandings about childbirth.
Once you become clear and free of any misperceptions about childbirth then you will truly embrace the importance of using your pregnancy to learn how to give birth … as a pregnant woman and to learn your skills as the birth support/coach.
What is true?
Here we go:
- Women are the only ones who give birth. That’s a Truth. Although it’s accurate that only women give birth there is an inaccurate assumption made that women automatically, intuitively or instinctively know how to give birth. We also know that 100% of pregnant women will give birth. That’s another Truth. And a further Truth is that they will give birth one way or another whether they know how or freak or just get through.
In other words, how a woman gives birth is not determined by the fact that she will give birth.
- Because the above original inaccurate assumption that women automatically know how to birth is made another common inaccurate assumption follows which is: If a woman moans, groans, cries, screams or curses then this is what women do and how they naturally behave in labour. In other words, these are the ‘know how’ to birth that women automatically know. NO … these behaviours indicate she is not coping with the experience and she is clearly telling everyone present that she doesn’t have a clue how-to give birth. The Truth is she needs your help right away and probably needed it sooner! Women do not automatically know how to birth. But women can learn how to. We’ve just put some Truths together with inaccurate assumptions.
- Going deeper. If a woman is quiet in labour, there is an inaccurate assumption that she likes the experience or feels she is doing well. In fact she could hate every moment and feel totally out of control.
- It is not true that how a woman behaves and how she feels is the same or even closely related.
- These inaccurate assumptions have led to the beliefs that women either have to suffer in labour … which is very inaccurate or those women who don’t suffer are deemed to be ‘lucky’, ‘have an easy birth’, or ‘somehow trust birth’ or ‘intuitively know how’.
- Another inaccurate assumption is that there is no way for you, as a man, to really help. This is also inaccurate.
- Finally, for women who have trouble coping with labour pain, there is an assumption the best and only solution to end her ‘suffering’ is to put her out of her misery or that she is incapable of giving birth … both are inaccurate.
Faced with an unfamiliar experience it is inaccurate to assume you will automatically know the right skills or do a good job, have a good time or feel proud of your efforts rather than just relieved it’s over.
Because an easy, lucky birth or intuitive birth cannot be replicated again and again either by the same woman or other women, we are left with the feeling that childbirth can’t be taught and this is inaccurate The Truth is … both women and men can be taught how-to do childbirth.
To just ‘trust’ what might be a very painful experience can be very difficult. Any human is more likely to ‘trust’ an experience (particularly one they KNOW can be painful) when they have appropriate skills. They then trust themselves to respond rather than re-act. In childbirth you are more likely to tense up with the naturally occurring pain than to relax and let go of tension. It’s counter-intuitive to relax when in pain. To do so is a learned skill.
Birth and coaching skills can be taught to all humans, used in every birth and can exponentially increase the number of women who cope well with labour pain and fathers who help them do so.
But moving beyond just women who labour … having a positive birth experience must be available to every single mother and father-to-be. Every single expectant parent should have the skills to work with their baby’s efforts to be born in whatever birth they have.
Inaccurate assumptions about birth are not your fault. You cannot be blamed if you have no idea how to work with your baby’s efforts to come out of your body or to help at a woman give birth.
In order to accept the importance that learning both birth and coaching skills during your pregnancy to help your baby be born and that these skills are essential, vital, common sense and a ‘natural part’ of being pregnant you need to think accurately. Let’s think more deeply and leave behind inaccuracies.
- Women do give birth … true. Most don’t have a clue how-to … true. If your partner has already given birth before and learned skills then she will use those skills as best she can …True.
- If a woman behaves stressed or does not cope with the natural occurring pain in childbirth she feels out of control and feeling out of control feels like ‘suffering’ … true. She doesn’t like to feel that way … true. Primarily she wants to know how to stay in control … true. She often lacks appropriate and the comprehensive set of skills to do so … true.
- If she doesn’t have the skills to stay in control then she wants help … true.
- Fathers are expected to be at the birth of their child in many modern societies … true. Your partner wants you to know how to help her stay in control … true.
- If you don’t have the skills to help then you’ll ‘be there’ but both you and her know you weren’t really able to help … deep inside you feel useless and helpless … true. Your wife/partner will know you are not able to help her to the level she really needs and wants … true. This can leave sadness, frustration, anger and alienation between you … true. If you can’t help her she will turn to others for help to deal with the naturally occurring pain and most likely use medical pain relief … true. In modern maternity systems assessments, monitoring and procedures will be done … true. Your BirthingBetter skills work well along side the health care you receive … true.
- When she learns her birth skills, she can cope better with the natural pain of labour and can work with her baby’s efforts to be born in every type of birth … true. She will impress your birth providers and you … true. She will respect her own efforts … true. She will feel increased confidence to move into her role as a parent … true.
- As her birth partner, when you learn coaching skills you will know exactly how and when to help … true. You’ll be able to do this in any birth that unfolds that day … true.
- You will feel really good about your ability … true. You will impress your birth professionals … true. And most important you will be loved and appreciated forever by your wife/partner … true.
- You will always feel confident with your children … true.
Bottom line: Birth skills lead to positive birth perceptions and experiences. Your BirthingBetter resource goes well beyond teaching you ‘casual’ skills instead you will learn vital, essential, comprehensive and universal skills … suited to all people and every birth … and this is guaranteed.
What’s a ‘casual skill”? Given car/driving analogy, casual skills are like knowing how to check the oil and tire pressure. Having deeper skills is like knowing how to change a tire, fill up the oil or even do a tune-up or change the brakes. Having vital, essential, comprehensive and universal skills are all the ones you need to drive safely! You can leave the mechanics to others but only you can drive once you’re behind the wheel.
You might find yourself saying … ‘Why bother, there are people to do that for me?’ You’re right and that’s the nuts and bolts of childbirth. You have to do the birth because you are pregnant. You can keep trying to have others do it for you or be less involved but at the end of the day this causes the disconnected emotional feelings too many women experience and don’t understand why. Childbirth is meant to be experienced and done by you!
And now that your partner is expected to be there for you … not knowing how to help just drives men further away from their important role as a father and partner. Your partner is there to help you do this experience as best as you can whether you have a natural or medical birth, at home or hospital with a doctor or midwife.